If I am going to tell this tale, I should say that I knew from my first visit to the gyn oncologist there was a chance that my tumor had not re-occurred. It was discovered during that visit there was a contradiction in my medical record. The problem: one place stated my right ovary was completely removed (which is what I'd been told and what was eventually correct), while in the case summary it stated that my left ovary was removed. That's Bad.
In retrospect it was somewhat amusing (I have my Dad's sense of humor...just go with it); picture me in a room with my Dad, my college roommate Laurie (who is posing as my sister), the Attending Physician, and a small group of Interns, Residences, and Med Students. So Dr. Johnston (my attending MD) states something about still having my right ovary. I corrected her and she states, no the chart states my right ovary. So here she is looking through my chart and all the sudden she has a verbal explosion; she has discovered the contradiction. So the Doctor is having a meltdown, my Dad is about ready to explode and my best friend nearly comes unglued.
And there I am, reassuring everyone that it's going to be all right. I still remember Dr Johnston, sort of yelling at me, "It is not alright. This means you either have cancer or your don't!!" But really I had had it. Some of my friends were aware that I'd been living in constant pain ever since I started the fertility drugs. At times the pain was much worse than other times, leading me to worry the tumor was back. I just wanted it to be over. Sorta.
And then of course there still was the whole issue of the "something" on my liver. So I grieved for the child I would never carry. I feared for my life. And once again, I felt like a failure.